We've all been there; bubbling temper, boiling blood, and the feeling like you're going to explode. You're trying to keep it in, logic tells you that there is a reason for this, only emotion overrides logic and it spills over. Before you know it, you're yelling or screaming and saying things that normally you would not say - but right at that moment, there is no logic. Out the window it goes, and you're furious. You can't see straight, let alone think straight - and then 'Oh', once the moment has passed, you wake up and think, "this is not the parent that I want to be." I know. You want to be calm, happy and light. You want to flow effortlessly from one moment to another but you don't know how...
I know what it's like. I've been there. Don't be fooled by the fact that I rarely lose it. I KNOW what it's like. I have felt the boiling blood, the rage and the anger...but no more. Today, I'm going to share with you just how you can help yourself through these moments - without losing your $#!+, because the reality is, that these moments offer us more learning than a lot of happy moments can - and it all starts with what you do with it.
So. What's up with all that anger? I'll tell you. Anger is simply hurt or sadness that needs a voice! Simple, right? Nope. Because sometimes we become so lost to our needs and feelings, that we don't even know where to start to pick apart the stories that we have going on. So, the first thing to do is to start tracing that anger and giving it a voice - and no, I don't mean yell and scream until there are people listening to you - I mean admit. Admit that you are angry. Say it. Proclaim it. Shut those voices that told you that it's wrong to be angry. SAY IT. I am angry.
Next, without blame or hurt take responsibility for your anger, 'I am angry because .......happened, examples:
I am angry that I have to clean up the spilled milk off of the floor NOT I am angry because you spilled milk on the floor (this involves blame and projects the anger).
I am angry because I don't like to repeat myself NOT I'm angry because you never listen (this involves control issues, the beginning of a lot of anger).
The importance to doing this is that one, you start to take responsibility for your feelings, and two, you begin to trace their origins - and the more you begin to accept your feelings and the more honest you are with them (over time) the easier it will be to begin to start figuring out the underlying reasons for them.
The next thing that I suggest is to find a ground - way before you become angry - so that during that split second between feeling angry and reaction, you can keep from lashing out in anger. It will give you a space and a moment away from the reaction. A ground can be anything that feels comfortable to you: a baby picture, a crystal, a card, anything. I remember, when I was going through the process of learning how to stop myself before reacting, I used to bite the inside of my cheeks (I swear - no joke). Now I keep crystals in my pockets (I like tigers eye and rose quartz), and when I start to feel triggered, I hold them in my hand and feel them: I can feel their energy and they give me a second to pause and think. Figure out something that works for you (I've even heard of people using rubber bands around their wrists to ground them).
Often I walk away. Walk away, unless your child is in harm's way, or is harming a sibling, it is fine to walk away. Walk away until you've regained yourself, and come back and deal with the situation - once you're more level headed. In instance that there are children fighting, remember to stay neutral, don't pick sides because it creates favoritism in their mind - your role is to help them get their feelings out, not blame...and if they are in harm's way, and the only way to stop them from doing something dangerous is to yell - well, then. It would be silly not to yell to stop them. The explanation of what happened will come after they are safe.
Once I feel calmer, I like to do ask my kids why they've done the action that triggers a reaction, and I LISTEN. Why? Because when I understand, I am less likely to be upset. I can begin to empathize with my child instead. If they are not old enough to tell you, them talk to them instead about YOUR feelings - without blame or guilt. This will do two things: first, it will start teaching them early how to express their feelings ( as the grow by giving them a vocabulary to express their feelings) and two, it will help remind you that you are talking to someone who has not fully grasped the more involved things in life - and as you explain, you will feel better and understand more (but I must make it clear, that even though they can not talk, it does NOT mean that they don't understand).
After you've learned how to get a better handle on your feelings and reactions, then you can start following the hurt, sadness or story that you are holding onto, and begin to heal and look for connection instead - after all, it's what we all want: and even when you do loose it (because we're human, and it happens, it won't be as intense - you'll be able to understand where it's coming from with greater ease, apologize, and move-on, immediately working on the issue that you're feeling - rather than mustering in it, and allowing it to take over).
"Your child can be your greatest teacher, or your greatest lesson."
~ Violet Moon
Do you want more help, with this or other issues? book a private clarity/discovery call or a one day intensive with me.