Every few months, I go through a huge change: in the form of the reminder to listen more intently - and I don't mean listen to the words of what my children are telling me, I mean listen to everything. As most of you are probably aware by this point, I am an energy interpreter - ha! fancy word for empath (that I just made up, thank you very much), and I use this skill to listen to everything, even the ugly parts that pop up, and I have been getting many messages to go within, and to allow myself to go deeper and to listen with my being.
If you don't already know, we've moved. We moved from the city to the beautiful mountains (this is a pic from my front porch :D)...
and being surrounded by all of natural beauty has opened up my senses and allowed me to connect with the deeper parts of myself that hadn't been healed yet - and I opened up, and allowed myself to listen: and when I listened, I transformed.
When we first moved here, the first thing that I noticed was that there were a lot of crows. They would sit outside of my window, fly all over our yard, and property: the first thing that I did was look up the symbolism here, and instinctively understood that they were telling me to go within - to pay attention to the secrets that I was holding within me. To not be afraid and become curious - to go deep...pretty crazy huh? It's my first few weeks here, and I'm already beginning to get messages to be aware and pay attention - something seemed to be on the horizon, waiting to be explored...I believe that when we are ready, or open to receive, the messages, signs, and events that we need, will be presented - it's all about listening, baby.
Pretty quickly after moving in, I found myself, in a place that I recognized. I was starting to feel stuck, and alone. My hubby works from 10 to 6, with a 1.5 hr commute...needless to say, I am hanging out with my kids all day, from sun up to sun down...this reality reminded me of when our twins were first born: during this time I felt alone, lonely, and sad, and during this time, is when I went through some of the hardest periods of my life. Being alone with 4 kids under 4, was a life changing experience, full of many emotions and many many trials and tests. I learned during this time HOW to create who it is that I wanted to be, and no be, through errors and renewals...so when these feelings started to come up a few months ago, I was shocked. Shocked because I though that I'd made peace with this phase. I thought that there was nothing left to explore, but I was wrong.
I realized that I was starting to become angry more often than not. I was starting to feel alone and I was starting to feel like if I had no one in my corner. When these feelings started to come up, I took it as my sign that there was something to figure out. So, as the crow symbolism, kept popping up to remind me, I went within, because the truth is that I don't want to get stuck in the world that I knew back then (what I always refer to as the 4 under 4 stage), a world of anger, rage, sadness, and depression. A world that led me into lashing out on my kids. Into the woman who, back then, was always angry and combative; always yelling, and never light. I turned into a woman and mommy who wanted to escape all of the time. The woman who woke up with the world on her shoulders, and treated those closes to her, like if it was their fault...knowing that that is no longer me, and that I didn't want to become that person, I took the cue to listen.
I took the time to quiet myself, and sit with my feelings, and emotions: because the truth of the matter is, that no matter what we think at the moment, the feelings are never what they appear to be (as I speak about in my video for the Regaining Harmony Series). In order to stop the behaviors that I no longer want to continue, or patterns that I want to stop recreating, the ONLY place to start looking at, is within. Deeply...and explore my emotional secrets, just as my friend the crow reminded me.
It was time to once again, do the work and to figure it out. So I sat with the feelings that came up, in full honesty. I felt my body, and gave it what it needed. I was honest with my kids, and told them when mommy was sad or grumpy, rather than lash out at them, when I was feeling something, and they came with their typical childhood demands. I reminded myself, with love that what I was feeling was momentary, and also that it was part of a puzzle that I was picking apart...and then one day, I figured it out - after my poor hubby took the brunt of my mad raving, about me needing quiet time...yup, it happens.
After I had my quiet time, and I understood that that was not what I needed, I realized that the long hours of him being gone, and running errands on the weekends - making him barely available - were leaving me feeling abandoned - something which is a huge (hidden 'till now) emotional trigger. I understood that I was feeling as if he was leaving me never to return...yes, I know that this is not true, but my feelings were still very real. After all of these years, I've finally come to understand that the story that I'd been telling myself, is that I am being abandoned, during these long periods of time.
This understanding, allowing myself to sit with it, figure out where it comes from, being honest with it, and having the courage to follow it, has finally set me free, of the triggered emotions, and their reactions - after all of these years. Once I sat with it, allowed it, and moved through it, I felt the cloud lift.
So, what does this have to do with anything, you say? I'll tell you. Sometimes, when we commit ourselves to listening, really listening to our needs, we become surprised by the treasures that we find. The normal route that this takes is: feeling popping up, not understanding feeling and not sitting with it, trigger, not understanding, and then reacting; but when I allowed myself to feel and to sit with those feelings, and took personal responsibility, I released them without becoming the screaming, yelling, blaming momster that I was back then. More often than not, when we find ourselves in a disagreeable place (emotionally), our first reactions are to repeat patterns, that during times of calm, are not reactions that we would typically have - and this is why I believe that when most parents are having a hard time, the first place to look is within, and try to figure out what needs are not being met, so that they can once again fill their cup and in turn fill their children's cups, and begin a ripple effect that will create the changes that they want in their homes.
It may seem like spiritual mumbo jumbo to some, or like the secret key to others, but the truth is that whatever we are living through is true to us, and when we commit to change, and looking for a better and more connected way to parent, anything and nothing can be a lesson to help us get through the rough moments. Do you want to learn more? Go here, to schedule a FREE call with me. You might be surprised, with what you learn.