Our children, are part of us, as much as we are part of them: like the seed of a tree, that carries the same material as the tree from which it was born. Within the cells, just like the ones before it, they all carry the same understanding of what it means to be that tree. It knows what it has to do, to become the tree and to grow up, do it's job and live. Much like the seed who follows the path to grow up, our children have within them, similar energetic materials, to grow up and be the people who they are supposed to be.
We are all born knowing this truth (to live, survive, thrive, and simply just to be). We know on some level that we deserve love and need to give it to our children. The problem comes when we forget, on an essential level, what this truth means. We are clouded by what we see, hear, are taught before our children are born - essentially, our past experiences. What happens when we have our children, is that rather than seeing the world with new eyes again, and allowing our children to remind us to renew and restore our lives, we become entrapped in the thoughts and feelings that we, as the older ones, know more, and our children in this capacity, should listen to us. This in turn, does two things, 1) it cuts us off from the reality that we all come with the natural ability to live, thrive and to be 2) it stops our learning process, and can often times, create disharmony, because our children with their endless quest for the right to know themselves are told in action or words, that they are not capable of doing this: we become trapped in a dance where we don't fully understand them, because we're to busy trying to get our way, and where they are trying to figure out, how to express their needs, desires, or truths (truth is relative, to the one living it).
The other part of this, is that as much as they are learning to explore their world and trying to be true to themselves, we can become stuck in old stories of what they "should" do, how they "should" behave, what they ''should'' be like and we become disconnected from learning about who they are, and miss the process of who they are becoming. What happens when this begins, is that we limit our ability to learn a new way to relate in the world, and we sometimes loose the opportunity to gain a new understanding and grow a little bit more...in this way, the relationship with our child, is just as people who come into our lives for a season, or those who come to stay a while longer - they teach us by giving us experiences, thoughts or situations, in which we are forced to learn a new way to perceive our reality. They often mirror our behavior back to us, or they show us our own darkness and light, to help us grow - with infinite love, because, as seedlings they are part of us, and will always be - infinitely in this dance, and when we deny this part of the relationship, we deny the growth of the moment (we always learn the lessons, but as the time passes they become more cluttered by story and belief). The difference between others and our children, is that the others can and often go, but our children stay and push us, to help us learn to release and heal old hurts and come back to balance: they are the perfect ones to take on this task - when seen this way, it's apparent how divine they are isn't it? When we understand some of these principles, we can stop limiting the ability to learn together, and we learn to understand that challenges, are not negative per say, only another opportunity to learn and grow.
Yes, it's easy to say all of this and to point these things out, because the truth is that we are living stories and beliefs that we are learning to release: habits, thoughts, intentions, and energies that are cluttering our fields - things that we don't pay attention to. Obviously, this is an oversimplified explanation to something that is much more complex - but nonetheless, it is a conversation/realization that we must all start to have, and explore, to learn to change for the better together, because I believe deeply that
"The love that saves us, is not a love that might come to us in the future, but rather the love that we can give to whomever is around us right now."
And yeah, sometimes it is hard to view and love a person as they are, because somewhere along the line, we were told or shown that we were flawed or unlovable as we are. We were told that we have to change to be accepted or lovable and we believed it. In fact, most of our adulthood, we spend learning to balance with those parts of ourselves that were lost in childhood. When we do this we learn to love our children as they are, without filters, the ugly, the tantrums, crying, the moments of frustrations, etc., without conditions. The hardest thing to do, at times, is to look at ourselves in the face (because as aforementioned, they have the same materials as we do, and will often trigger feelings that we know from our past) when our parenting practices are coming into question.
It's hard for us to understand the balance when we are in a challenging moment, or when we are not accustomed to questioning our automatic responses or reactions. But in this space, is where you'll start to figure it out. When we learn to remember this dance, and start to remember that just like us, our children are here for a purpose. This understanding will start to change all of our lives for the better. That like a dance, we are learning to live in different ways, and learning to live together in a way that continually makes our lives better.
“One generation of deeply loving parents would change the brain of the next generation, and with that, the world."
– Dr. Charles Raison
The parent child relationship does not have to be one of frustration or a constant battle, but it can be one of joy, where we learn to honor those closest to us, with respect and unconditional love. Love that helps us grow and evolve - isn't that what we're ultimately here for?