Keeping a clean home is not about judgement – it is about staying in your flow and power (Guest Blog)
Garnering and maintaining energy while keeping up with the many duties that women, specifically busy mothers have to tackle daily can be daunting when the purpose of the duties are for others consumption and perception. As I grew and became more aware of my power as a woman, mother and manager of my home I realized how certain ideas that had been ingrained in me about keeping my home clean both helped and hindered my own energy and the energy of my home. Let me paint the scene:
“Her house is dirty – how is she letting people come to her dirty house”
“She a nasty woman – look at her house”
“Keep your house clean or others will look at you like you are nasty”
We all heard some variation of these statements growing up and more specifically as adults. In fact, women often struggle after delivery of their child with the idea of their homes not being clean – not from a perspective that a clean home will enhance their energy but from the perspective that they will be looked at unfavorably as a woman for keeping a nasty home. We must shift the viewpoint with which we filter many of the lessons we learned as women about our value from judgement of our selves to the power of our roles.
Keeping your home clean is essential because a clean home – the primary place of manifestation – is critical to keeping the abundance, clarity and goal accomplishment of the family. New things (ideas, thoughts, money, etc) can not enter into a space that is already occupied. Try to think your way into a new place with old thoughts…it won’t be able to manifest because you will have all those old thoughts blocking it. Same in a closet, you can have many beautiful clothes and shoes but if you do not clean out the closet you won’t even be able to appreciate what is there. So our elder women who tried to teach us about cleanliness were right, a clean home is critical but less about what people will think about you and more about your synchronicity and awareness of the spiritual energies that are more available to you and can flow through you when you keep your home clean. You can take this principle to your purse, your body, and your mind. Your inclination for cleanliness is primordial because as a woman you are of the flow of the energies of the universe and you desire that flow uninhibited.
So consider how your space will be kept clean without the fear of judgement but instead with the expectation of positive energetic flow. You can achieve a clean space relatively stress free when you expand your options. Consider having a cleaner come in once a week, solicit help from your mate and child(ren), and/or keep a cleaning schedule. I keep a cleaning schedule so that I can stay in flow with my desires. I literally clean and consider my goals and desired manifestations and lifestyle, this is a ritual for your mind, space and spirit. So I clean the bathrooms on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday so the tubs are always clean and smells good. I keep the kitchen clean daily and clean the refrigerator/baseboards monthly. Thirty minutes a day to freshen up the home has kept my sanity and energy flow high. The invisible mitigating forces that assist us in accomplishing our goals see our diligence and care appreciate it and reward our commitment. Some call these forces deities, gods/goddesses, spirits, pantheons, etc. I call them my grace.
My hope is that this gave you a different paradigm to think about your role and power. I also hope women see that generational stories have power to evolve and sustain or destroy. Being mindful of the simplest stories, how they’ve affected you and how you process them is critical to your evolution and changing generational patterns. Our power is in our ritual.
*To learn more, or become a guest blogger for Soul Centered Mama, go HERE*
After a busy day of home schooling, starting the day with some work assignments for my Forest School training whilst the kids slept, then taking them out for a morning walk to try and quell the squabbling and bickering which had been yesterday, we got home from their evening swimming club and I faced the kitchen; dinner to cook, dishes to wash, and preparing the activities for tomorrow’s Forest School session. I looked around, all surfaces covered; plates, laundry, the sticky skins of lemons the girls had squeezed to make lemonade with mint from the garden earlier in the day, pots of dry lentils and beans my four year old loves to play with, the calls of the kids from the next room, and I felt truly, utterly beaten.
Beaten, not by the difficult behaviour of my kids, for they are no trouble really, they are lovely, vibrant, busy children, exploring, creating, learning, but beaten by the weight of the everyday overwhelm of everything that it takes to care for kids and run a home. There is just so much to do, always and everyday. And if we as mothers are not very careful, this overwhelm can soon take hold of us, distort our vision, overthrow our hormonal balance and wring the joy clean out of our mothering journey.
Sometimes we have to take a stand against it, against this morass of pressure which builds up within and around ourselves, and which oozes from social media. We have to stand up to it and say ‘no more’. We have to recognize that we are enough. That we are doing enough. That we love and care for our kids more than words can say, and we are doing our very best with the resources we have in each moment.
So let us face that overwhelm, and the voices which accompany it, chastising us, taunting us, reminding us of how we are failing, of how we are not enough, of how we are so much less than. Let us face this. Let us make it stop, and let us remind ourselves, dear, gentle mothers, that we are great. That we are greater, that we are so much greater than the overwhelm which surrounds us.
Rather than trying to run away from it, to shut everyone up, to quickly restore order, walk into the overwhelm, not away from it, walk deeper and deeper into it. And be still. Breathe deeper, deeper than the feelings, the intensity, the drama. As you may have done through labour and birth, taking your breath deeper than the intensity of the experience. Stop, and feel your power. Know you are a Creator. Know that all of this we see before us is of our own creation, and that of those around us. We are powerful creators, we have got this.
Step into the overwhelm, and breathe.
And say to yourself I am here; say to your children I am here.
For the power resides in your words, for when we are here, so fully and completely, with every fibre of our being, we are here, completely alive and in the present moment. And it is from here (and only here), that we are truly powerful and that we can truly affect change.
Look around, breathe deeper than the whole situation, and remind yourself, I am here. Feel this truth deep down in your body, deep in your belly, deep in your womb space.
Awaken to the presence of your power, and the power of your presence.
Allow the stillness to coarse through your veins, allow the spinning and shouting to fade away. Breathe deeper, and bring a sense of stillness to your surroundings.
Feel strength uprising, a strength far greater than the situation, and so capable, so able to hold what needs to be held.
Then feel an awakening in your heart. Feel fierce, pure unconditional love flowing from your heart centre, and feel a softening. As we hold the situation with our power, as we have this, we enable our hearts to open wide and from here we are able to see, once again, with eyes of love, compassion, empathy and understanding.
We have the power to hold, to sort, to connect, to create and re-create.
We remember. We are capable. We are wise.
Gentle mothers, we are so much more than the piles of laundry, the odd socks and diapers, we are so much greater than the unwashed dishes, the sibling squabbles and the feelings of failure which pervade our thoughts when we haven’t been as much, or as good as we hoped we could or should have been.
We are powerful, passionate and loving creators. We hold our children in our hearts, our minds, our arms and our homes. We hold them and tend to them with a love so fierce at times it scares us and shakes us to our core.
Breathe into your power, your love and your fierceness. Breathe deeper than the overwhelm, breathe deeper than whatever creations trouble you just now. Breathe deeper than them all.
And then find your point of stillness.
Connect with your power, connect with your gentle, fierce, pure and loving heart. And look at your kids, yourself and your situation through eyes of love. Feel waves of empathy, understanding and compassion flowing through you. You are love. And so are they. Remind yourself of this.
And now breathe deeper, deep down, all the way, to your place of inner power and indomitable strength. Remember you are as powerful as the Earth. Remember you are a Creator. Remember that you have this. You can do it. You are doing it. And then take a step forward. A step of love, a step of power. For one blazes the way for the other.
You are all of these things gentle mothers; we see you and we need you. Breathe deep, and share your fierceness, gentleness, strength and love with your children and the world. Remember this, we need you.
- Clare Cooper
To submit a guest blog post for Soul Centered Mama, visit our Write for Us, page.
Healing your body, mind and soul after a negative birth experience can be very challenging. Your experiences maybe have you feeling empty, alone, heartbroken or even depressed or traumatised? Maybe you feel like a complete failure, or completely disconnected from your little one? Let me tell you honey, whatever it is you are feeling, it is ok! It is ok, not to be ok! But it is also ok to want to move forward and let go of what no longer serves you.
I have been working with women all around the world, supporting them to heal their (birth)trauma. There are many things we can do to help you move forward to start your healing journey, but most importantly I want you to know is that you are not alone! You are not the only one who is feeling like this and you will get through this. But what can you do? When you feel in such a dark place? Let’s talk about my 3 favourite tips to help you get started;
Tip 1 – listen to your body
What you feel does matter, how you feel also matters, in fact you matter! Start tuning into your body and listen to what it is telling you. Do it right now, just for a minute or 2. I will wait... Close your eyes and feel.
Do you feel angry? Why are you angry? What is behind the anger? Or is it sadness? Or fear? Keep peeling away the layers and keep going until you get to your core. What is it what you need? Do you need to rest? Mourn? Go outside for a walk? Take up some new hobbies? Whatever it is, you need to start giving this to yourself.
Your body can hold onto a traumatic experience, even years after. You can feel this anywhere in your body, but what I see most often is sadness in the chest area, and guilt in the stomach. Our bodies do this, in case something similar happens again, so it can respond quickly right away to keep us safe.
If those feelings aren’t dealt with, it can lead to long-term health problems. That is why it is crucial to make time for yourself each day, to recognise these signs and paying the attention they deserve.
Tip 2 – Do what you love
The next step for you is to start doing what you enjoy again. What did you use to enjoy? Do you still enjoy it? If not, what would you like to start doing? It doesn’t have to cost a lot; it can be as simple as getting out some pen and paper out and making a beautiful drawing. Or maybe make yourself a lovely cup of tea of those tea leaves in the back of your cupboard you have been saving for ‘later’. Your time is now lady, and you need to put yourself first.
I love to use the example of a beautiful rose bush in this case. If the bush doesn’t row right, do we blame the bush? Do we tell the rose how worthless she is? Or do we help her, nurture her, replace her soil, give her water, food and the attention she needs to grow and blossom her beautiful flowers? You need to treat yourself like the beautiful roses! You can’t poor from an empty cup, so start filling it with what you need.
Tip 3 – I am Love
Stop telling yourself that you can’t. I can’t do it, I can’t afford it, I can’t [....] fill in the blank. For the next 4 weeks, I want you to start telling yourself that you can. I can be happy, I can put myself first, I can make that available in my budget. And maybe after those 4 weeks, you want to start saying yourself that “I am happy, I am beautiful, I love you [your name]” when looking into the mirror. Start loving yourself, the good, the bad and everything in between.
You are a beautiful woman and you deserve to be happy.
Susanne Grant is an International Birth & Healing coach and specialises in (Birth) Trauma, PTSD & Body Issues. She supports women all around the world during pregnancy and after birth, providing them with the tools to heal (sexual) abuse & trauma as well as traumatic births. We felt Susanne would be the perfect addition to our website and we asked her to write this beautiful guest blog for you, in which she will share her 3 tips on how to heal birth trauma.
We had a newborn and a three-year-old. My husband (MJ) was in a haze of pain from regular migraines, I in one of fatigue. We were both cranky.
I sat in front of my computer 10–16 hours every day, trying to work but spending hours as a social-media zombie. Probably once a day, I heard MJ yelling at the kids, and the kids crying. I would help calm the situation, then go back to slogging through my work, mentally walking through cold molasses.
Finally, sometime after midnight, I would climb into bed with a happy sigh and a huge grin at the thought of an hour or two of sleep before the baby woke to nurse or our daughter woke screaming.
She would shriek like someone was murdering her.
Exhausted, panicked, I frantically tried to quiet her so she wouldn’t wake everyone else. When she was finally calm and I tried to go back to sleep, she scream like a banshee again. Back to her room I went, quietly imploring her to go back to sleep.
Twenty minutes later, more screaming. I would again rush to her room, my voice rising as I begged, pleaded, “I have to sleep. I need sleep. Please, please… please, for the love of … why won’t you sleep?!”
Then I would hear myself yelling, “You are going to wake everyone else up. It is nighttime. It is time for sleep. People are trying to sleep!”
I felt ashamed at my loss of control. Something needed to change, but what? And how?
Our Life Savers
Then I discovered Hal Elrod’s book The Miracle Morning. I liked the idea of getting a better handle on my life by using the Life SAVERS (silence, affirmations, visualization, exercise, reading, scribing)—but how in the world could I get up an hour before my kids to do this?! It was all I could do to stumble out of bed when they woke me in the mornings.
I was desperate, though, so I gave it a shot. It worked … sort of.
I started daily self-care again, brushing my teeth, flossing, exercising … even showering! (When did I stop doing these things? I wondered.)
But I felt good enough—almost human again—that I kept going.
Even from his haze of pain and sleepiness, MJ noticed the change in me, so he started doing the Life SAVERS too.
Our days were so much better when we did the SAVERS before the kids woke up, but we still had to claw ourselves out of bed each morning, sometimes before the kids. But I often fell asleep in my silence. And affirmations. And visualization. And reading.
We were seeing enough improvements to stay determined, though, so we muddled through.
Then MJ discovered Shawn Stevenson’s book Sleep Smarter. We were already doing most things Stevenson suggested, but implementing those last few things made a tremendous difference. Suddenly, with sleep in order, everything started falling into place.
A Whole New Family
MJ’s migraines dropped from affecting him every day to only once or twice a month. He went from being anxious about almost everything to calm, even cheerful. Our interpersonal interactions are more considerate, more thoughtful. We treat everyone—including ourselves—with more respect.
We worry less and are present, engaged with our lives, our children, and each other. We accomplish much more every day. We keep our tempers. We rarely yell. Our house is much more peaceful.
Through trial and error, we have 5 essentials that we must to do daily to live this new, better life:
1. Shut off electronics at least 1 1/2 hour before the household’s earliest bedtime--and keep them out of sleeping spaces.
2. Use topical magnesium spray. (Ingested magnesium isn’t nearly as efficacious.) The easiest way to do this is with an epsom-salt soak. MJ, our daughter, and I soak our feet each evening as part of our electronics-free time. (MJ needs more magnesium to keep his headaches down, so he also uses a magnesium spray, which can be purchased or made at home.)
3. Increased physical activity. (Do any activity that you enjoy, but when movement is aligned with breathing, as in yoga or Tai Chi, it can double as silence/meditation.)
4. Silence/meditation. (This brings your attention to the present moment, to observe from a place of detachment. After steady practice, you find a state of calm that you can more easily call to mind when disturbances and agitation arise during the day.)
5. Education/personal development. (Focus on anything you like … anything. The point is to make constant incremental improvement in some aspect of your life. Eventually, you start thinking in whole new ways and getting more creative in everyday problem solving.)
When we do numbers 1 and 2, we fall asleep faster and have better-quality sleep. Then it’s easier to get up when the alarm goes off, which makes numbers 3–5 even easier to do.
Thanks to implementing these strategies, something has shifted in us.
We are hopeful and have found new purpose. We examine everything in our lives, improving what works and eliminating what doesn’t. We are more fully present for everyone. We are kinder, gentler, more understanding. We are better models for our children, who also behave better, sleep better, and are more cheerful.
It all started with the Miracle Morning and sleeping smarter.
- Stephanie R.S. Stringham
You read the title of this blog post and probably wondered what the heck is wrong with this woman. How can I find joy in frustrating moments? I'm a mom, and there is so much to do, where is the joy in my to do list?
Well, I'm here to tell you that there is plenty of joy to be found. The key lever in discovering this joy is in how you look at the situation. I know it is hard. With all the demands on our plates as moms, it is a challenge to remember to slow down and be joyful. The beautiful thing is we have a choice in everything we do and with that choice comes the opportunity to find joy.
For example, your children make a mess in the living room after you have cleaned up. When my kids make these kinds of choices, it infuriates me. I mean, they just saw me cleaning up and here they go creating a mess. It is frustrating and hard to get past, but at that moment I have a choice to make. I can scream at them for what they just did, or I can take a few breaths to calm down and look for some joy at the moment. When I give the situation a fresh look, I see my children playing creatively, safely and happily. I realize I can use this moment to teach them how to clean up their mess and how to help mommy when she is cleaning.
It doesn't happen seamlessly every time. There are times when I blow up and just let my rage take over. However, I keep those moments to a minimum.
I want my children to have happy memories of their time with me. Life does happen, so all of our times together won't be happy ones, but I can make a choice to find happiness more often than not.
Finding your Joy in Frustrating Moments
1. Release expectations that everything must be perfect.
Just because you cleaned the house doesn't mean it has to be spic and span. Know that there is beauty in the imperfections, and by releasing your expectations, you are allowing more joy to come your way.
2. Take a deep breath before making a choice.
When you feel your body tensing and the frustration boiling, take a deep breath. Let the breath bring relaxation into your body. Wait until that breath is released before making choices.
3. Look for moments of joy.
Purposefully look for the moments of happiness. Make an effort to look for the laughter and the happiness at the moment.
You have a choice whether to be joyful or to be frustrated. What choice will you make?
- Elly Blanco
Would you like to write for us, too? You can learn more about it HERE.
Mother/Daughter: The Most Intense, Powerful Relationship you will Ever Have in Your Life (Guest Blog)
Standing in my mother’s kitchen hearing the words ‘I don’t love you and I will never change’, went through me like a knife but these were the words that I needed to hear to change my life. Why would a woman in her forties need to be accepted, praised and loved by her mother; why would she care about this when she was happily married with three healthy children of her own?
Because even after all these years the feelings to be accepted and loved were as strong was ever; words may fade away but emotions and feelings remain as intense as ever.
You can understand the 4-year-old putting her finger under the sewing needle to stop her mother sewing as she demanded attention. It makes sense that the 6-year-old would pull up the plants in the garden as the child pleaded her mother to acknowledge her and leave tending the vegetables. You would expect the 11-year-old to sob her heart out when she was left at boarding school in another country and the 16-year-old to cause argument after argument for any sort of attention.
But the fortysomething woman craving that same attention now she has her own life just doesn’t make sense.
Or does it?
This is my story but one that will resonate with millions of women around the world, a well-kept secret full of shame, resentment and hurt. If your own mother can’t love you, the very woman who bore you can’t praise, accept or value you, how could you possibly be worthy? So you spend a life craving these feelings from everyone else, becoming a needy person, and feeling worthless, useless, of little value and broken.
This relationship is so powerful that it affects the interaction with your partner, your children, your friends and yourself. This incredible bond, which was once based on love, can turn to anger, resentment, and guilt ruining your whole life.
Are you desperately trying to
· seek your mother’s approval,
· strive for her acceptance,
· win her praise,
· gain her acknowledgment
· yearn for that maternal warmth
· crave her love only to be disappointed in every effort you make
· and it just never comes?
With all of this trying and needing are you left:
· with such low self-esteem
· feeling worthless
· with utter guilt
· which ends up affecting every area of your life?
Until, you decide that you don’t need anything from anyone, least of all your mother – you really don’t need praise, affection, attention or love from anyone for you have all of this inside of you. The day that happens is the day you begin your journey of freedom. The journey is hard, it is slow, it is painful but it is truly the most astounding thing you will ever do in your life and it will give you such freedom and strength you could never have dreamt of.
Having totally transformed my life, Mum and I now have a loving relationship, we’ve been on holiday together, she visits for two weeks at a time but the greatest gifts are the paradigm is no longer alive in our family and I have given Mum the gift of healing herself.
Here are a few tips to start your healing journey TODAY.
1. STOP TRYING to - make things work, make things better, please your mother, say the ‘right’ things, ‘do’ the ‘right’ things, as it doesn't, work. You may have been trying this for years and feel even more disappointed.
2. Have NO EXPECTATION from your mother – when you phone her do not expect her to respond in a certain way, do not expect her to be happy for you, hug you, cheer you on or be interested in anything you have to say. When you stop the expectation you also protect yourself from being disappointed.
3. Understand that you DO NOT NEED anything from your mother – YOU ARE ENOUGH. You really do not need her affection, her praise, her validation, her approval or her love because you are enough.
4. The HEALING is all about YOU. For perhaps the first time in your life put yourself first, which means taking time for you, meeting your needs, meeting your own expectations, making you feel good. You’ve probably even forgotten how to do this after all of these years.
5. The healing process is one of acceptance of whom you are, letting go of the lack of need for your mother’s love in any form, re-writing the perspective of your past and finally the FORGIVENESS for both you and your mother.
We all deserve a life of peace and fulfilment – we all have a choice in life, will you be the one to make that change? What are you waiting for? Miracles aren’t out there – you create them!
- Louise Armstrong
Family Relationship Coach
Having suffered a lifelong destructive relationship with her own mother which also impacted on the relationship with her eldest daughter, Louise has managed to heal both of these entirely alone. Louise was invited to train as a Coach, NLP Practitioner, Theta Healer and now a Hypnotherapist through the turnaround in her own personal life; leaving behind trading the financial futures markets. Louise also specialises in mother-daughter relationship healing, as this relationship is the most intense, powerful relationship you will ever have, affecting every relationship you form in your life.
Louise has been very happily married to Ian for almost 28 years, has lived in Dubai for over 14 years and has 3 grown up children, Charlotte 26 years, James 25 years and Sophie 23 years, all now working and independent!
Her mission is to help as many people as is possible to enjoy loving relationships as she feels these are fundamental to living a happy life.
To visit her Website: www.louise-armstrong.com to message her directly: firstname.lastname@example.org
I recently asked a group of mom friends: what do you for "me time"? The answers varied. I like to read, I like to run, I like to get a pedicure, I go to Target by myself, I go to the bathroom by myself. One friend scoffed and said "me time? what's that?" A wide variety of answers for sure. For a wide variety of moms with different ideas, perspectives and backgrounds.
My own perspective on "me time" is that in the busy juggle that is mom-life, where we're constantly taking care of other people's needs, there needs to be even a tiny sliver of time focused solely on me.
Not only is this definition different for every person, but it's different in different seasons of life.
When I was a new mom, my definition of “me time” would have been an entire day to myself to do whatever I wanted. At that time, that’s what I felt that I needed to feel refreshed and decompress from the stresses of motherhood, life and keeping it all together.
Now, over 11 years later, while I wouldn’t mind an occasional day to myself, I don’t feel like I NEED that in order to deal with my life. I have found a good balance most of the time and that is because I consciously set aside a few minutes every day to take care of myself and address my own needs.That's all well and good, and yay for me for figuring that out, blah blah blah. But let's address the obstacle. The guilt. The mama guilt. It's a reality of mommyhood. We are so used to taking care of everyone else that we tend to neglect ourselves (and sometimes don't even realize it! ) and when we DO realize it, we feel guilty spending any time or energy on ourselves. Somehow, through taking any time for ourselves, we feel like we're somehow depriving our babies. And this can be a powerful feeling even if we KNOW it's not logical.
Do you experience this? Again, as a logical, rational person you know that you're not ACTUALLY hurting your kids by doing something for you. But you still have that little twinge of guilt and that can turn into frustration. You're trying to pee in peace - y'know like with the door closed - and your toddler is throwing a fit on the other side of the door because he can't see your face for the 7 seconds it takes you to do your business. You start to think "This is impossible! I can't even pee by myself, how can I do anything else for me?"
THIS can lead to giving up. Thinking that once the kids get older, then I will have time for myself. Until then, it's all about them with no tiny sliver of light in the day for anything for myself. It may even seem noble and unselfish to have the "there's no such thing as me-time" attitude.
Feeling this guilt and having these feelings is understandable and quite common, just ask any mom!
However, if you're not creating space for yourself in your routine, you're telling yourself that you're not worth your own time.
Let that one sink in for a minute.
Far and away the biggest objection that moms have when committing to a wellness plan or routine is "I don't have time". It can feel like spending any time on ourselves or focusing on our own wellness is just another "to do" on your already crowded list. There are only so many hours in the day and once everything is done for work, the kids, the house, you're exhausted and there's not time or attention left for yourself. Sound familiar?
We attach guilt to me time because we ASSUME that it means A LOT of time that would otherwise be focused on our families and we don't want to deprive them.
Okay, so what can we do about that?
Consider that even a small amount of time focused solely on YOU can be beneficial, not only to you but to your whole family. Do you ever notice when you do have a little bit of time to yourself, you come back to your kids feeling refreshed (even just a little)? Think of it as recess for your mommy brain!
Small things make a big difference. Taking a walk by yourself, painting your toenails uninterrupted, reading a book before you fall asleep, watching a non-kid friendly TV show once a week. All small things. All for no other reason than being nice to yourself.
Think about the time and attention that you give yourself on a weekly basis. In what ways are you neglecting yourself? Is that how you'd like to be treated by another person?
Is there ever a scenario that arises that you would say "I don't have time to take care of my kids, I am too busy?" No, of course not. Because taking care of your kids isn't an item on your to do list, it's a million little things that you do every day. Taking care of you is the same way. It's not a spa weekend. It's a long shower and shaving your legs without feeling bad about it.
STILL, though. As self-aware as we are, that guilt monster STILL comes creeping back in because we have that maternal instinct where we're constantly aware of what our kids need and that takes up so much of the brain power. Mama guilt is always going to be there a little bit, no matter how old the kids are. Here's what we can do.
Recognize it. The guilt isn't bad. The guilt is normal. Letting the guilt dictate your actions and neglect yourself isn't helpful. Know that the guilt is there and it's normal. You're not doing it wrong. You're a normal mom. When you feel the guilt creep up, recognize what it is.
Confront it. Let me be clear, we make decisions for the good of our family all the time. Sometimes we put our own needs on the back burner for a more immediate need of a family member. This doesn't mean that you're letting the guilt run the show or that you're weak and giving in. This means that you're a good mom and you're making a call on the given situation. However, if the mama guilt is consistently making you neglect self care, that needs to be examined. When a situation arises, stop and notice what your motives are. Call it what it is and don't let it stop you.
Realize it's not always going to be easy, and be okay with that. If you're operating a guilt-driven system, you're not going to reboot overnight. There will still be times when you'll fall into the old.
Remind yourself of these things:
I am worth my own time and energy.
Taking care of myself is GOOD for my family who needs me to be strong and healthy.
It is not selfish for me to want good things for myself and to go after them.
I love my family and I am an important part of that family.
- Rachel Rader
Rachel Aldrich Rader is a Wellness Specialist for busy moms, a Fitness Professional and, as a mom of three boys (ages 11, 8 and 3) she is a Mommyhood Reality Expert! Rachel teaches moms how to balance their own wellness with the reality of their family's busy lifestyle.
Where you can find her:
Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/rachelaldrichradercoaching/
Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/769605853168252/
If you have a blog and would like to contribute to Soul Centered Mama's Blog please go HERE to learn more.
Let' grab a cup of tea.. or a glass of wine… get comfy and cosy shall we?
I need a space where we can be real, raw and honest. Where we can practice so we can go out and be just the same in the big wide world…
So let's jump in:
Are you a good mother? What is a good mother anyways? Parenting has become (with all good reason) a much debated topic. How to mother, how to parent… So who's to tell what's true and what's not?
I tell you who- children.
My parents used to say "what happened to our kids, why did we deserve this?" (two "problematic" kids from their point of view) . The old debate of nature vs nurture. They believed their parenting was good and that their kids grew up becoming rather problematic teenagers and adults is all on the kids and the "good" Universe.
So when I studied to become a psychologists this topic always deeply interested me.
I wanted to know: are my parents right? Am I really a messed up person? Was I born like this?
Now that i am the happy and utterly exhausted mom of a 2 year old, I got an answer for you Mr. Science. It's 99% nurture and 1% nature. Ok my numbers may be slightly off-
But the truth of it is unshakable. We are all born as open-minded, capable individuals who are meant for happiness and success. Then life happens.
Our children come with a plan, and they do carry their past lives etc . So it is not a 100% blank page. BUT. and it is a BIG but.. how this life turns out how they will turn out, and how they learn to manage what is given (aka. nature)- is mostly on us.
Being a mother is such a deep responsibility, there are days when I just want to hide under the blanket.. Especially on days when it's hard enough to drag myself out of bed and try to act like a normal human being.
However these hard days are the one that shed the light on the truth for me.
They say "Healer Heal Thyself" - how true. Same goes for mothers "Mother Heal Yourself" - or else ALL your unresolved issues will be given on for further generational enhancement for your kid.
It may be a harsh truth but it is true nevertheless.
If we hide from our issues, not only do we teach our kid to hide themselves, we also push it deep into our subconscious, where it will go ahead and affect us- affect our parenting.
There is no bad kid- only tired and insecure parent. (Trust me I KNOW by experience;)
I have noticed now as my little baby is not so little anymore, she started to show me what she has seen and learned in the past two years. She kisses the babies, pets the dogs, helps to clean etc a MILLION of amazing and cute traits.
Then the other day she was tired and frustrated, so she threw her doll and screamed "shit"… Oh shit….. *banging my head on the table". For a second I reminded myself that Pinks daughter says worst things. Than I also reminded myself that she is a pop star and I am a healer … Slightly different image...
After I calmed down and the initial panic subsided that I am messing up my kid- I fully realized and FELT my power. I am her God. Whatever I do, however I am she will follow. Sure, I kinda knew that. But it is more than that. My energy IS her energy. Our kids ARE mirroring our energy for a LONG time . So what do we show?
What do we do when we mess up?
How do we treat ourselves?
How do we handle bad days?
What do we do or say if we have been disrespected?
How do we treat our bodies?
Do we show affection to ourselves? To others?
And above all, how do we handle and treat ourselves when we deem our actions or behavior "less-then" in any way.
How we treat ourselves, they will treat themselves. How we treat others, they will copy.
EVERY word, EVERY day counts.
But isn't it a win-win? An amazing opportunity? LOVE YOURSELF- take GOOD care of yourself- and your child will be more than fine.
Be what you want her to be. Be what you want her to learn. Be the inspiration. Us parents of the new era have the super power to raise healthy kids. Healthy on every level. We all have dents. To a different degree but we have all encountered trauma. Some of us got a little shy from it, some of us may have become cautious. Some of us have developed serious health and psychological symptoms. We usually learn to manage them, but we rarely truly dive deep to resolve them. Whatever we don't resolve one (or all) children will "get it". Like the flu a little bit. So not only do we owe it to ourselves but to our children to stop. Take a good look ourselves with the loving and non judgmental eyes of a mother and let's get real. Where do we hold anxiety, anger, resentment or fear in our hearts or lives? Where are we insecure but try to hide it? One of the greatest tools of a conscious parent is what has become my motto " course correct, own your growth". We are actively growing. On this path of constant expansion it is totally ok to
*admit we were wrong and change our minds
*share our imperfections and our process of working through them
Even with our kids. While I am certainly not saying that we should weigh our kids down with adult problems, it is totally ok and I dare to say necessary to OWN our life in front of them.
Lately I have been going under quite a lot of stress. That is the exact time my toddler decided to drop her last nap…
Sometimes I am less patient than anyone would enjoy. So I stop. Breathe. Apologize. Explain. (during stressful times that is the other motto : Stop.Breathe.Aplogize.Explain.Move On.
"Mommy is tired, doing a lot of things and got upset. It is NOT your fault and I am sorry if I act mean.. Don't take it on yourself. You are a great baby" Next day my baby came to me when she saw I was tired and trying to hold it together. Stroke my face and said "night night". She actually helped me rest a little.
There is no such thing as perfect mother. But there is a conscious mother, who understands that healing yourself is number one priority for everyone. If you need more self-care- act now. Feel overwhelmed or battling any sort of condition? Get assistance. Look for conscious guides. Be open to your needs and your unresolved issues. One of the greatest things we can teach ourselves and our children is that it is never too late. every day counts and we can start over any given minute. May it be small or big the change we seek. We all fall, we all can rise again. We all have the magical and daunting gift of "free will". Whatever we hold in our heart and energy WILL manifest in all forms. That includes our children.
Who we are, they will become. What we hide from ourselves- they will become.
Great responsibility AND great opportunity. For all of us.
May your day be gentle, your heart full and your mind at ease.
We are enough as we are, may we have the courage to discover ourselves to the core <3
To learn more about her 1:1 "Soul Journey" coaching program, get on the waiting list, or be one of the first 10 participants or as I call them "travelers" whowill get 25% off and also a juicy bonus pack (6 months of remote healing + 250$ "gift card"), get in touch with her...
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Soul Mama Blog
Blog to help mamas, on their journey: with the various parts of motherhood and life.