This entire year, life has been forcing me to reassess everything that has made up my life for the last few years...
Up to this point, I was Violet, homeschooling mama of 5, nurturer, wife, soul reader.
I was the one who everyone went to when they needed emotional healing...this role was my pride and joy.
I was the one who brought people back to life.
The one who welcomed the emotionally starving, those who needed a mother's touch, the ones who's pain was deep and needed a resting place to recharge.
I marveled in this role, until life came knocking, and showed me how much I gave.
I became depleted.
Unable to give...worse yet, every time I tried to give from that place, I sank into a hole of sadness.
Nothing filled me.
I tried, my hardest to regain a shred of what I wanted (deep satisfaction and joy) and needed, only to keep coming back to the same place. Empty.
At about this time, internally, nothing felt right, on the outside, everything was starting to match what I was feeling inside.
Things started breaking and coming apart.
Like my way of operating with the people that I love.
It seemed like nothing that I did for them and to them, was enough.
Client work, drained me.
I stopped doing readings.
I stopped working.
My home life.
I started doing the bare minimum - just enough to keep going.
Feeding my kids, doing laundry so they could have clothes to go out.
Cleaning just so that we didn't live in filth.
I could not force myself to do anything at some points, except to just be.
Some days, just breathing was enough.
Some days, talking a walk.
Other days, watching my children play, and laugh with each other.
Slowly, during this time, the realization started to creep in, that what was missing was my connection to my inner self.
I've always been naturally connected to spirit, and can see the ebbs and flows throughout my life, but the missing component was my connection to my soul space that connects the flow within me.
I was looking outside of myself for that place that connects spirit to my life.
The missing ingredient I realize, was listening to my inner voice.
To my desires.
To my inner wisdom.
I stopped moving in auto pilot.
I stopped doing what I thought I was supposed to do, and started doing what my heart and soul desired.
I stopped over giving.
I discovered boundaries.
I found my voice.
I confronted the parts of me, that were running on programs of martyrdom and control, and I allowed them to teach me.
It's simple in how something so small can have such a big impact in my life.
Small because, the truth is that the magic of this is in the moments.
Saying no, when I don't want to.
Going on walks because it feels good, not because I have to.
Like, not trying to fix everything and letting things be what they are.
Magic because the more that I listened, the more that I felt connected to what I was looking for.
Infusing my spiritual tools: things like meditative yoga, ritual, meditation, tarot, astrology, into my life in a way that enhances it, with intention and helps me anchor spirit into my life.
When this process started, I decided to give into it.
Although I've always known that change brings so much amazing things to life, being in the process is something different - being forced to face, slowed me down.
Allowing change, to come in and redo my entire life, was not easy, but it was worth it.
This process has given me back to myself.
Given my back whole to my children and my home.
It's allowed me to show up and serve those who I am meant to.
It's helped me reclaim my passions, and reclaim myself.
Change is not easy, but it's worth it.
As I leave the old year behind and welcome the new year, I am allowing myself to be open to the changes that will bring me closer to myself and spirit.
To allow me to live aligned, inspired and connected to my life, my children, my home and those who I serve.
I ask you, how can you allow change to tune you in, and connect you to spirit, and the soul of your life?
Soul Mama Blog
Blog to help mamas, on their journey: with the various parts of motherhood and life.