Over the last few weeks, I've realized a trend...this mamma's getting grumpy a lot more often than I'd like to admit. I've been short tempered, and although I've had quite a few great moments of feeling aligned and in joy, the truth is that my old companion grumpy, has been rearing it's ugly head - and if you don't know anything about me, know this, I am an extreme perfectionist - no not cleaning...my house gets quite messy (c'mon now, I've got 5 homeschooled kids!), but with my SELF. I suffer from perfect actionism (yeah that is so a word. A word that I just made up!). I am one of those people who expects myself to be perfectly self controlled at all times (I'm an Aquarius my astrologically inclined people). In all situations, I expect the highest of myself. So, when I start to see ol grumpy puss show her head, it's my cue to figure it out.
The thing about being an extreme perfect actionist (yup, I just used that non phrase) is this - it's exhausting - because it's not real - it's a mask. Yeah I'm a spiritual junkie and believe in all of that highest self stuff, but the truth is that no matter how much I want to live the highest possible life, challenges do and will come up. It's my sign that there is something going on. That there is something that I have to pay attention to and figure out. So when Missy Grumpy Puss started showing her head, around my little ones, that's my sign that something has to change.
So, after much thought and emotional connection here's what I've come up with: I've stopped showing up for myself. I'm slipping and it's showing. I am trying to be available to so many people, but I'm not available for me. I've sunken into auto pilot: wake up, make coffee, make breakfast, homeschool, clean, lunch, activities, dinner, dinner serve, clean up, somewhere in-between those things, read a few books, walk dog, clean, sleep. Wake up, no rinse, repeat. No moment for Mamma V. No time to relax, or enjoy. When this starts to happen, is when I start to get snappy, when I start to feel blamey and start to feel like I'm all give and like if no one is doing things for me. But the truth is that if I don't take a moment for me, no one is going to give it to me. I have to take it. Unapologetically.
You see, there is nothing wrong with serving, and doing, and being there for others, but the truth is that I can't fill their cup, if mine is empty. There is no such thing as perfect, only now - and in the NOW is when we can figure out what our needs are. With honesty. Taking responsibility and holding myself accountable for MY actions. Learning to see the truth of my reactions, when I'm snappy or grumpy, and loving myself through those moments - the way that I love my children in theirs. Forgiving myself, so that I can get to the core, and come back to balance. Knowing that I am human and that I am always evolving.
Living in the moment - something that is spoken of a lot in the inspirational community - is the new high. It's become the new solve it all. Something that has become a go to answer for many, like if this is going to make one magically better, or instantly enlightened - and the truth is that being spiritual or living your highest truth does not always mean being great or even acting great. Sometimes it means, being grumpy and reacting in ways that are less than stellar, and sitting in your own crap - with honesty- and putting your big girl/boy undies on, and learning to find the perfection in the imperfection, and doing better tomorrow, with the understanding that we too are important. Learning that the clues to WHY and WHAT to do are there. Learning that there is always a reason, and learning that I TOO am important.
So the next time that you are feeling less than stellar, and ol'grumy puss is showing up or you feel feelings that you thought were healed, don't be afraid to ask and get your answer. It might be just what you need.