 CLick here to keep up with usA few days ago, I had a heart to heart moment with the youngest of my two daughters - who is one of the oldest ones of my bunch. This came about because I came to the realization, that from all of my kids, she is the one that needs the least amount of stuff from me. She is self-sufficient, reliable, always in a great mood, and very even tempered...seems like the perfect kid, huh? But, when I remember how she was as a baby, I realized that this was not how she came to this world. For starters she was born colicky. She cried and cried for hours, and days without end... She was an emotional child - and I don't mean this in a bad way, but in that way, that when she feels something, she feels it in her soul. She was one of those babies who was tough as nails, but also gentle as a butterfly. Now, self reliant and practical, the traces of that emotional baby are long gone. She no longer shares her feelings with me - or anyone else for the matter. She is excellent in terms of helping her baby brothers when they need her to hold them, cuddle caress or care for them: but her emotions are bottled up tight and held in the safe of her heart. She does not share them with anyone...and you know, this makes me sad. I think that a lot of times we adults don't care for ourselves in the proper way, because we have learned to bottle our emotions. Where did they go? I'll tell you. I tucked them away. You see. When she was a baby. She cried so much and was so full of emotion that I didn't know how to handle it. She was one of those kids that cried all of the time...and I didn't know how to deal with it. You see, I was taught that there is no reason for children to cry. I was taught that crying was bad, and that if a child's needs are met (food, clothing, toys, etc.) that there is no reason for them to cry. I would tell her to stop crying. I would scream at her because she seemed to cry all day long. Non stop. Most days it would drive me crazy and I would become angry with her. Now after a few years, she is older, I am wiser, and have learned how to become more patient, and have become very aware that crying is a sign of a need, not something to become annoyed with. I have realized the harm that I did during that time, by not allowing her to feel free to feel her feelings...I made her bottle them up. So where is the heart to heart you ask? Well, a few days ago, while I was making breakfast we were having a talk - about random stuff. Food. Her brothers. The day. Nothing in particular. And she tells me that she remembers being a baby, and me putting glove things, on her hands because she used to scratch her face. She was months old when this used to happen. So I asked her. "Do you remember crying a lot, when you were a baby?" Her response, "Yup. I used to want you to pick me up." Folks. My heart sank! My little baby, only wanted to be held...and back then I, didn't listen to my heart, I listened to people tell me that I should not pick her up a lot, because she would become spoiled, and would want to be held all day...this, BTW still breaks my heart to know. Anyhow, I told her that I was sorry. I told her that I was sorry that I didn't hold her more then. That I was sorry that she has learned to feel that her emotions are supposed to be buried deep within. And I told her that I take responsibility for her thinking that way. And that I promise to always, be available for her, and that I will help her feel comfortable in sharing her feelings. I was reminded this weekend, once again that the way that I treat my children matters...but mostly, I was reminded that learning to understand myself, and love myself while I become healthy emotionally and physically, are a few of the most important things that I can do for my children. Because the way that they see themselves and interpret their lives comes directly from the way in which they see us react to them and our environment. It is my mission, to help her learn, in as loving a way as I can, to help her heal and learn to express herself fully... and I am happy to report that over the course of the weekend, hugs and kisses have been in abundance :D and she is willing to come out of her shell. I am dedicated to helping other mothers out there, so that they don't have to go through these hard lessons with their children. If you have a situation that is similar to this, or would like to understand and/or prevent this or understand yourself and child better, please sign up for Regaining Harmony. It's FREE. 
0 Comments
 Image found via Google  Want to COnnect?Tonight, I watched Mommie Dearest, and it made me cry. I sat up in my bed and cried during the infamous "No more wire hangers" scene. I'll be honest with you, I'm not exactly sure why I cried. Obviously I cried because I was watching Christina - the daughter - be beaten with a wire hanger...but I was also crying because I was watching what utter lack of control, self knowledge and the inability to understand one's emotions can do. Of course, this is an extreme reaction, but who is to say that these things can't actually happen?
I remember, a long time ago, when I had four under four - and it was HARD. I remember going into my bathroom to cry, because I didn't know how to do it all. I always felt lonely and alone during this time. My family was far away, my husband worked all of the time, just to bring in the bacon, and I was alone all day long with four small children, and you know what? I know what it's like to be furious and exhausted. To be so angry at my situation that I didn't know what to do. For the longest time, I had to crawl through the trenches, and relearn everything that I thought I knew about myself, so that I could become a different kind of human being, one step at a time, I had to turn myself around to be the best mother for my kids - I didn't want to turn into that (Mommie Dearest)...and I learned that the hardest struggle that I had to overcome was myself. The story that I'd told myself for so long. I had to rewrite patterns, change my reactions, and release old habits. You see, I learned that many of the things that I was struggling with, were in fact not truths, but merely beliefs that I was holding on to. Beliefs like:
Although this movie is an extreme example, the truth is that we all loose it is at times, and react in ways that at our best, we would never consider. We all have moments of frustrations, and self doubt, it's only natural. The trick is to use these moments to learn more about yourself, and your child, and the key factor to learning from yourself is HONESTY. Learning to understand why I felt the way that I did. Learning to understand the purpose for my reaction. Taking responsibility for the reactions, feelings and thoughts that lead to my reaction, and understanding where it came from. You see, if I did not learn to be honest with my feelings, myself, and my children, how was I supposed to change? Being as transparent as possible. When you're honest with yourself (your actions, the reasons, and reaction) you can begin to understand, heal and move forward. When you're honest with yourself, believe it or not, you understand your child and life in a completely different way. Yes. It takes courage. It takes strength to live in such a open/raw manner, but when you take this step: learning to ask yourself why or why not, a different world opens up for you, and you can begin to live...with no BS in between - and then you can start to live the life that you want, for yourself and your children. Do you want to learn more? Or share your thoughts below. I would love to hear them.. 
Image found via dailynews.com
Too often, I come across broken or saddened teens and preteens, who appear down on themselves. The youth and vigor for life, that we expect to see missing. Young people, who we adults think are in their prime, walking around as empty vessels, looking for anything to fill them...in the case of Izabel Laxamana, her fix was suicide...and I ask myself does it have to be this way?
In a society that values productivity, numbers, and letters, virtues such as compassion, empathy and love are seen as secondary and not as important. We push our children to do more, listen more, act better, do better, but are we? We expect that they become the models of what our visions want them to become and we forget that they have already arrived, brining who they are...only we've forgotten to look. In her case, the last straw seemed to be the public shaming from her father - although, there is talk about bullying and things of that nature happening in her life. Izabel Laxamana's life is typical to many younger people that we see: bullied in school, and shamed by her father, and yet, many many times, when we hear about this happening, some think, eh this is normal, and dismiss their feelings by saying, they have to learn to accept this part of life. But I ask you, how many more children are going to take their lives due to feelings that are too dark for them to understand, before we accept that we have to try another way? I've seen it many times. Tired parent. Parents that are trying to make a living. Exhausted. Trying to scrape together enough money to get by, and taking their frustrations out on their children. Parents who are trying to reach their children, and have them do what is necessary for them to be successful, in order to lead the lives that the parents dream of...only it's hard to listen when you're not listening. Children are crying out in mass about what is going on in their lives - the second leading cause of death in children/teens ages 10 to 24 IS suicide - and about what they don't approve of, what it is that they need in their lives, only we don't listen....and one would say: I ask them, but they don't tell me. Or, they don't listen. Or, my child is not behaving properly. Only...What we think is "bad behavior" is actually a cry for help. They say I need to be heard, and I don't know to ask for it properly - or I don't think that I will be heard - and you will won't understand. The problem is that we don't know how to identify the behavior, because many of us, are dealing with our own sets of problems and think that our children's problems are somehow less than ours - until it's too late. Until cases like Izabel Laxamana's pop up...this does not have to happen. I use this post as a call to action. A call to have any parent out there rethink their strategies: children don't have to be shamed (publicly or privately) or punished to make them behave better...we can learn to do it another way. You can challenge your beliefs and stories. Learn to listen to their song, and DISCIPLINE them in a way that brings you closer together and helps you both learn to heal...HEAL WITH THEM. I've quoted before, Martin Luther King, Jr.'s famous lines 
and they seem fitting again. Let's not let her life mean nothing. Let's take it as a lesson, and allow it to mean everything. Yes, what we tell our children, how we treat them, the way we think about them, makes a difference.
The truth is that this dad was probably doing his best. The best with what he knew - because come on, that's all that we can ever do at any moment - only it didn't help his daughter, Izabel Laxamana. So, how do you know if your child needs you to learn another way? I'll tell you, it's pretty simple. Start by asking yourself the simple question, "does my child open up to me?" When he or she is hurting (crying, sad, upset, angry, frustrated) do they turn to you and open up? Do they feel safe feeling vulnerable with you? If not, it might be time for another way. Do you need help? You can start by listening to your child. Quieting your old stories, and learning to listen to your child. Do you want to know more? Schedule a call with me here.
to receive all of my tips, especially created for parents like you - and to also, know first hand when my program, officially launches.
I am a floater...I've always been a go with the wind, and ride it kind of gal! I've had many great opportunities from just being open and flexible. As a result, I never felt the need to change many things, because I was just going with the flow: from one thing to the next, and learning as life happened and as people, places, and events came my way...In fact, I tell most people, that if it were not for my children and husband, I would float away into the sky. I was like this until I started to have my children. My children are the biggest reason that I've learned to seek and actively change, in more ways, than one.
One example is me becoming a raw vegan. I did this because I was tired of being tired. I wanted to have energy to play with, and run with my children. I felt compelled to do something about the way that I felt and found raw veganism to be an answer. For those of you who have not had a food related life style change, I tell you that this is SO HARD! For the first few weeks, I wanted to stuff my face with everything and anything that was around me. But, knowing that this change meant the difference between a connected mamma, and a tired grumpy mamma made all of the difference - I pushed on. There have been others things like learning to stop yelling (which was big), learning to listen and understand my children in a deeper human level, or learning to understand and pick apart my past and family/ancestral lineage so that I can pick apart and release old family patterns and hurts. I've learned to be present, more empathetic, and compassionate because of them. In every stage of my life, they have been the driving force for me to become a better person, so that I could become a better mother. I think that when we face the demons and the darkness that we feel, with a brave face, we learn so much about ourselves. I believe that children are our mirrors, in that they reflect what we are putting out into the world and into our home. Being honest with these truths, we are able to embrace the changes that need to happen and learn to live a fuller, more connected life. I have found that even though different circumstances may seem challenging, I don't have to define the challenging times as hard - but as a new way to see the world. I have understood that in life's divine timing, I have the fantastic opportunity to learn and grow...and for this, I thank these beautiful people that I am proud to share my life with. Violet Moon 
Let’s talk about beliefs, and why we must look at the importance of them in our lives. When we are in the process of changing our parenting style, our beliefs shape how we see the world. Whether we are aware of it or not, these things affect our every day lives, essentially affecting the decisions that we make. Now you might ask, what does this have to do with being an Introspective Parent? My answer is everything.
New Oxford Dictionary defines belief as an acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists: or something one accepts as true or real; a firmly held opinion or conviction our beliefs are as subjective as reality – meaning, that what we think or perceive is what we accept as reality. A long time ago, when I was learning about changing my parenting style, I came across an article, which talked about the importance of language and the effects that it has on us, and how we see our children. For instance, if one of my children is insistent on doing something in a certain way; a specific hairstyle, wearing a certain article of clothing or anything that they want to choose for themselves, I can interpret this in various ways, and the words that I use to describe the action, make a huge difference in my interpretation of the event: words like bossy, leader, decisive, etc. The word that we chose correlates with our belief systems and what we learned growing up, as well as how we define ourselves, and our children. The reaction that we have after the definition of the word has seeped into our consciousness, has a direct effect on our behavior, and in order to change our reactions from within, we must challenge our selves, and what we have learned and/or have been taught, i.e. our beliefs. When we are not able to, or are unwilling to acknowledge our triggers and behaviors, in correlation with our belief systems, we usually behave in the same manner taught to us during childhood - or something similar. But when we begin to look at our belief systems, and understand them, we can learn to perceive our relationship with our children in different way - then change accordingly. When we learn to understand our lives in another context: learn to live more openly, more fully aligned with our convictions and desires, we are better able to open up and learn to see our children in another light. The question then becomes: How can I heal myself, and learn to change my perception, and old behavoral patters? Challenging your belief systems is never easy, but it can be a crucial step in changing the way that we interact with out children, and the way that they open up and trust us. The first step is always acknowledging that there is another way, and learning to listen to our children - not listening to respond, but actually listening with the intention of understanding. Slowly as we practice this, we learn more about who they are, and also who we are.
 Healing the relationship with your child can be scary. It requires questioning our beliefs and behaviors. We have to begin to treat our children and ourselves in a way that we are not familiar with.
When I began the process of learning to understand my children, in order to become a more gentle peaceful parent, I didn't realize that, although my initial mission was to change the way that I reacted to my children, I was also changing myself. I learned how to change the patterns that were the norm, and I learned how to heal my own emotions while healing theirs. Today, I will share with you, some of the things that I learned along the way. Forgiveness Is Important This one is very difficult for us to do. As mothers, I think that we have attached a strange pleasure to the guilt martyr feelings...I jest! Kinda. We replay things that we did over and over and over again in our brains, replaying what happened. We obsess over the things that we've done. Or could've done better. Or should've. Or blah blah blah. When the truth is that we all have moments that are not stellar, and holding on to these things is sure to do one of two things:
The truth is that every not-so-great moment, is a chance to learn something. A new way to react in the future, form a new perspective and understand where we learned the behavior. Rainbows come after the rain, and we too blossom through every experience. We all go through this. Beating yourself up does not help you in the long run. See it for what it is: a chance to change and start anew. Being Less Reactive Can Be A Miracle I still remember when I realized this for the first time. I was on my couch, after a long day: 9 pm and husband still at work: kids needing to be bathed: exhaustion: lack of sleep: and me needing a break. Most days this would've been the perfect concoction for cranky and yelling. One of my twins walked by me, and headed to the kitchen. At this time, he was 3 years old, and had a new found fondness for climbing onto the kitchen counter and going through the cabinets. He would take everything - as long as he could reach it - out, and would throw it everywhere. This time was different. I asked him what he wanted, and if he was hungry. He nodded his head yes. Being a late talker, this communication was huge. If I would've reacted as times before: yelled, assumed that he was playing in the cabinet and wanting to take things out and spill them everywhere, I would not have learned to understand. Instead I would have become angry with the thoutht that I had to clean the mess that always happened when he went through the cabinets. Being non-reactive and understanding instead, allowed me to change my perception and reaction. I learned that day, that being one sided and not giving thought to the why he, or any of my other children, do certain things is disconnecting. Taking a breath between feelings and reaction can often be life altering. Listening Without Defending and Apologizing After Admitting I Was Wrong When I was pregnant with my last baby, I had a conversation with my oldest daughter about my old behaviors and parenting style (yelling and not understanding). It forced me to confront the reality that I was not listening to them. We spoke about where I learned those behaviors. She was glad that I was not going to be "that mommy" with her new baby brother, and that I am not like that anymore with her and her siblings. When I listened, and created a space for her to feel trust, without her feeling attacked, or as if she had to defend herself the healing process began. When we listen to our children and what they have to say about our actions/reactions to them, we learn to understand them - their needs, wants, feelings and thoughts. We allow them to get out what they keep inside, and help them heal past hurts. We learn to understand the consequence of our actions, and learn to behave in a way that honors them and ourselves while fostering the relationship, and just as important, we gain their trust.Saying that I was wrong and apologizing moved mountains. Not only for my children but also for myself. It lead to freedom. Understanding My Beginnings - My Ancestry It might be hard to know why act in a certain way, when we don't know or understand were these behaviors come from. When we are unconscious of the energies in our relationships: thoughts, emotions, feelings, acts etc., with out children we may be doomed to repeat them. Unconscious energies have a great ability to creep up in our everyday lives. Changing and understanding my behaior, was one of the reasons that I started to question my beliefs and ancestry. Research has shown that it is possible to pass along memories and trauma through our DNA. It is possibly carry along family dramas or past actions into the present, and being unaware of these past issues, patterns, or stories, can lead us into repeating them. Fortunatly becoming aware of these energies, gives us a head start, and the ability to consciously change. Becoming More Available The more present that I am, the more I am able to connect, and understand. I am able to see issues, before they become a problem. I am able to understand what my needs are, hunger, tired, thirsty, sleepy etc., so that I can be more available to my children and I can nurture myself, and also be more nurturing to them. Checking messages, looking through social media, reading articles online, etc., these are all things that take more time that I may have at the moment. Leaving devices alone has helped me tremendously. I have realized that having my smart phone with me creates a lot of crap that is not necessary. In the world of a child, 5 extra minutes in hunger mode (or mommy - hanger is real here folks!), can make the big difference between melt down and cooperation. I am learning to leave my laptop in my office and my smart phone in another room or on a shelf. I check only when I have a personal message or call from family. Everything else is left for certain times of the day (early morning or night). Of course, at times, I do pop in, but I have noticed the difference between being present and just being in the room. Dropping Labels It is said that there is not such thing, as a good or bad child, only someone that needs attention. I agree with this. I find that when my kids are acting out, is when they need more attention: open, honest, and loving attention. I am able to deal with the issue head one and figure out a solution that helps and heals us both. Labeling the behavior as "bad" stops the progress. When we label something, we automatically define it. Our children are more than labels. They are not black and white, or good or bad. They are people with feelings and emotions that span the entire spectrum - as are we. When we learn to remove labels, we learn to deal with the issues that are at hand. Learning to LOVE Oneself This one is kind-of a big deal. In order to properly nurture and heal my children, I had to learn to start healing myself, emotionally, physically, and spiritually while listening to my inner guidance. I had to learn to be honest with my needs. Listen to my body, and take care of it. I learned to stop doing things that were hurting me. This is one of those things that I am always learning and improving. I will not say that all of this happens over night. In fact, I think that the older the child is, when we start to heal and move forward, the longer it might take to heal and move past a lot of the layers of baggage - but, I know that it is worth it. If I can change the relationship with my "defiant" child (the one who came along to help me heal and learn another way, into one of harmony, trust, and openness), then you can definitely do it too. |
© 2020 Soul Centered Mama, Violet Moon
About Soul Centered Mama™ I About Violet I Collaborate With Soul Centered Mama I Contact I Press Kit I Legal Stuff
About Soul Centered Mama™ I About Violet I Collaborate With Soul Centered Mama I Contact I Press Kit I Legal Stuff