This weekend, I spent two days helping my daughters clean their room - and I'm not talking about light cleaning, I mean deep cleaning. Moving things, throwing things away, decluttering moving furniture and going through every drawer, vacuuming them, closet...your get it. It was a huge project. During the time that I was cleaning their room, I had an a-ha moment, where everything lined up and made sense to me. You see, my daughters, as much as it pains me to say, like most 10 and 11 year olds, are not the tidiest children. They are messy and they are disorganized. It would be easy to hear this and think well, make them clean, do, keep it up - whatever the story may be. The "truth" about the outward appearance is not one of disorganization, but the deeper TRUTH is this. I am the reason that they are like this. Swallow that. Take it in. Bask in it.
When I started going through the period of 4 under 4, my girls were 2 and 3. I was in survival mode. I basically lived to keep going. On autopilot. One foot in front of the other. I had many things to do, with very little help (literally it was me all day for years - with my hubby working two jobs, through most of this time). In the midst of diapers, food, mess, screaming toddlers, crying babies, fighting siblings, ill-rested mamma, helping them religiously clean their room while doing other things was just something that was not high on my priority list. When I had a moment, I would do it, when I could not, their room was a mess - because of this, and the way that I was living during this time, I didn't give them the necessary tools, for them to learn how to maintain - I did it, and they came to a clean room: they didn't help me put things away, or keep tidy by putting stuff away after use . The learning process was not established.
Flash forward to now. How can I seriously get angry with them for something that I created? How can I criticize them for me not giving them the tools to know how to upkeep their things? How can I expect them to do something that I was not giving them? It's unreasonable...and it's unreasonable for me to expect them to know how to do that now. It's easy to take the path of you are old enough to do this. Why haven't you been maintaining it? Why are you guys so messy? Easy to project my issues and criticism to them, when the truth is that they see me leave things when I am too tired. I model this.
It's not time to point a finger at them when they learned that from me. It's time for me to put my big girl panties on, face my lessons, and learn to be more consistent now - with myself, as well as with helping them learn how, by offering them the help now. Help them learn through action how to maintain and give them the tools to keep up. My role is not to judge them, because I then I would also be judging myself: and the truth is also that during that I had 4 under 4, I was not emotionally or physically able to handle so many things - and learn to be a connected mom. Something had to give...and it was not going to be my behavior with them. We can only keep moving forward and growing from it all. I have to take responsibility for what I put in there: emotionally, intentionally, actively, passivly. I can't expect from them what I didn't model and maintain myself. I can only grow with them now.
So many times we wonder why certain things are happening, why our children are reacting in the way that they are, and most of the time, the reasons are right in front of us...next to mindset, taking full responsibility of my energy and contributions in the lives of my children is the next important part of being a conscious mamma. Learning to understand the big picture, is my specialty, but applying it in day to day interactions is where the magic is.
Cleaning their room and having the memories of that time, and knowing how all of these habits happened, helps me keep moving forward with more clarity, without causing them the harm or hurting their feelings with hurtful words, due to frustrations for assumed behavior. For me it was my daughters room - and everyone has a different story and different "room to clean." For some it starts with something as simple as child behavior, for others it's emotional stories about the process that they are going through. But everything that is happening and has happened has a beginning and a reason - and when we're trying to understand behavioral things or reasons for various reactions or issues that we are having with our children - the first place to look first, is within ourselves - and take responsibility for our role.
This week, in my FB group Soul Centered Mamma Tribe, I am going to be covering some of these aspects, and the ways that we can learn from them and how to move forward with our children. If you'd like to see more of this, join our tribe today. Or if you'd like to go deeper with me about an issue that you're having with your child, click HERE for a clarity call, or HERE for spirit or soul reading.