As the New Year approaches, I am reminded that nothing ever stays the same - which is funny because in the world of a mama, its easy for a day to feel repetitive and slow, and yet, the years go fast. In last week's blog post, I spoke about how I realized that the time was passing me by, about how my kids were growing up right in front of me, and I gave a few of my own personal reminders that help me get through the rougher moments. Today I want to talk about the other side of this: how I learned to follow the flow and understand what these changing times are trying to tell me, so that I can move with them.
We all know that time passes, seasons change and nothing stays the same forever, however, that's not the part where we get stuck. We get stuck in the moment to moment, where the changes are actually happening and we are trying to create or move into what's being created. For instance, when we have a two year old who's becoming a three year old, we know that he is going through a change, he's getting older. But what is also happening is that the way he understands and views the world, and himself in it, is also changing. He goes from wanting to touch everything around him all of the time - beyond what you tell him - into wanting to control things around him, i.e.: the "no" phase; I don't want to; "I do it" followed by "help me" (my personal favorite *insert sarcasm*). This, to many of us looks like defiance (because it's what we were taught) but the reality of this stage, is that it's teaching them to be autonomous and have autonomy over their person, body, and what they do, they learn how to stand up for themselves, etc... This stage helps them explore what they can and cannot do. It helps them navigate what they do and don't have control over - but the problem is not this stage within them, per say, but more so, our inability to allow this stage to sometimes flourish properly because our autopilot reactions, stories, and themes, take a front row seat during this time. This time, can be a very difficult time for a lot of us, because it requires that in many cases we give up control and instead become passengers to their learning. During this time of change, where we are trying our best to keep up with new need, while attempting to be the best parent to our child, while simulaniously setting appropriate limits, and keeping from loosing our s#&*^ more often. This, of course, is only one example of many times of change...so what is a mama to do? How does one navigate the changes that happen during each stage through out our kid's lives and our own?
To answer this as simply as possible: you tune in. When I first started to figure out how to understand my home, so that I could create what I wanted vs living in autopilot, the first thing that I did was to learn about the normal stages in childhood, and what was developmentally appropriate, so that I could then understand what I was putting into the moment, and then I tuned into what I had going on within. I got to know myself deeply. Intimately. My thoughts. My reactions. My actions. I learned that when I understood where they were, I could understand what the story was that I was creating around them. I could then understand myself deeply, and react appropriately to what was happening without. Also, understanding what I had going on within me. Where I am, figuring out what flow I am in: is it time for introspection; is it time for action; time to observe; time for planning? Each time has a different tone. A different purpose. Each season has a purpose and is bringing us to something. When we learn to tune into these flows within us, we can begin to understand the purpose of season and time. What each is leading us into. Into what you're growing and changing into.
I realized that if I was to put into my children and home the things that they/we needed I had to go within and understand first. I had to first figure out what was going on, so that I can put in what would help all of us move forward. This is a a great part of me being a conscious parent. Of allowing the spirituality in my parenting journey to help me move forward with what is needed. This does not mean that I don't have times, where I am in the midst of feelings. What it means instead, is that I use everything: moments of clarity, uncertainty, understanding, sadness, quiet, non-flow, to give me a bigger understanding of what is needed from me, to move into, and what it needed to create what I desire, and what's in the best interest for all of us.
It is true that I have an "in," in that I can read and understand the energies of myself, children and home: a service that I provide moms in the forms of my Soul Readings℠, where I channel the higher self of mamas, their children, and their babies in spirit, for clarity and understanding and help to flow, but it does not mean that you can't tap into this and parts of it and do it too, to help you move into creation.
For the New Year I want to leave you with three things to help you move into this space within yourself:
1) Get in touch with your feelings and take responsibility for them - I am feeling sad, vs. you made me sad. (Our feelings come from within us, and are born as a result of something that happened in the past that is being triggered now.) Others trigger our feelings, but they are not responsible for them.
2) Start to challenge yourself, to understand why you're feeling something. Your feelings help you understand what your working on and learning what to move into. Let them show you where your incomfortability lies, so that you can begin to understand where your next step is. When you understand what you don't want, or what you don't like, you can being to move into what will take you into alignment, and flow.
3) Allow yourself to be OK wher you are, and being OK with that. Sometimes, we want to hurry up and move into the next phase right now, but now may not be the right time - you might be just gathering knowlwedge and information - signified by lack of clarity or not being sure of what's next; or sometimes right now is a time to take action - signified by a lot of synchronicities and opportunities to take a leap. To be OK with now, because it's where you are, will help you move into the next phase.
I'll put it this way, if I would've been taken out of the time of having four small children under 4 and transplanted into now, I would probably not be able to handle where I am now, becase I would not be able to properly balance everything that I juggle at this point - but that phase taught me to organize. Every step takes us into another, and what we are learning at the moment helps us move into the next phase. We all have an individual journey that is helping us grow. Tuning into that "right NOW" is where the magic happens - allowing the stages in their changes, and the moments to teach you, you allow yourself to flow into the magic.
The last few weeks have been full of changes for us. Changes that are full of emotions which turn on my natural reaction of wanting to flee (something that used to happen a lot when my brood was much younger); flee into a screen, social media, or other things that look like this. Changes like the way that we homeschool, the way that my home is run, the way that I am eating, and lots of other small things that send me into a place of wanting to escape into a quiet sanctuary...but as beautifully syncronized as life is, last night I found baby pictures that I hadn't seen in a long time, and I took this as a reminder to stay present, and stay off of devices.
As I was looking through my kid's baby pictures, and nostalgia hit me, I realized how much they've grown through the stages of our lives that have been frozen in these stills, I was reminded about how fast time flies, and how much they change in what seems like such a short amount of time - the most daunting thing of all, is that they are changing right in front my eyes.
I started then to wonder how much time do we really all have? Is it ever enough? In our fast paced lives: rush here, go there, clean this, do that, how much time am I really devoting to spending quality time with my loved ones? All of my babies' round faced smiles have been replaced with longer faced grins, and as each year goes on, I realize how the natural separation happens. How the ones who wanted to spend all day with me, are more naturally wanting to spend their time doing things other than following me around the house, and asking me ten-thousand questions. I realize that the time is slipping through and that those soft eyes that once looked at me with adoration, are now filled with worldly curiousity - and suddenly, I was reminded about the fact that the moments pass by, and that it's easy to fill them with things and to-dos and lists of things to complete - it's easy to loose sight of the magic that is happening at every turn...and last-night, I was reminded once again, that the moments that matter are the ones that we share in-between when things seem to be going haywire - and these pictures reminded me of the importance of my presence.
I was reminded to stay present because time is fleeting. I was reminded that once time is gone, that there is no way to get it back. And mostly, I am reminded that changes always happen, and all I have to do is to keep taking care of myself in the way that I've learned over the years, so that I can allow myself to be as present and aware as possible.
It's easy to get lost in the moments, and want to naturally escape when things feel rough, but for today, I want to remind you of a few things that I've come to realize over the years:
1) Everything has a season and a reason. Just because I don't understand what's happening doesn't mean that there is not a reason for it.
2) I am always learning and moving forward. Just because I don't see the value in a rough moment, does not mean that there is none.
3) The way that I behave during times of change and stress is far reaching - and has a greater impact on the times of calm.
4) All kids go through similar stages, during similar times. My job is to tune into the stage, and into how my child is processing the stage and move into it accordingly...
5) ...and the most important one of all, for me, treating myself with as much grace as I want them to be treated and I would like others to treat me through times of change, is the best medicine in the world.
During this holiday season, I want to remind you that you are always where you need to be. I want to shine a light into how fast everything goes, and I want you to take a moment to enjoy the fleeting times, that can sometimes become clouded with to-dos, lists, things and rushes. To stop, take a breath, and remember that the baby years go fast, and that one day before you know it, you'll be looking at old pictures and thinking where did the time go. But most of all, I want to remind myself, as I remind you, that changes don't always have to be so difficult - although they can be challenging - when I remember that nothing ever stays the same, and at some point I will look back at pictures, as I did last night, of now, and start to wonder where did the time go.
Mother/Daughter: The Most Intense, Powerful Relationship you will Ever Have in Your Life (Guest Blog)
Standing in my mother’s kitchen hearing the words ‘I don’t love you and I will never change’, went through me like a knife but these were the words that I needed to hear to change my life. Why would a woman in her forties need to be accepted, praised and loved by her mother; why would she care about this when she was happily married with three healthy children of her own?
Because even after all these years the feelings to be accepted and loved were as strong was ever; words may fade away but emotions and feelings remain as intense as ever.
You can understand the 4-year-old putting her finger under the sewing needle to stop her mother sewing as she demanded attention. It makes sense that the 6-year-old would pull up the plants in the garden as the child pleaded her mother to acknowledge her and leave tending the vegetables. You would expect the 11-year-old to sob her heart out when she was left at boarding school in another country and the 16-year-old to cause argument after argument for any sort of attention.
But the fortysomething woman craving that same attention now she has her own life just doesn’t make sense.
Or does it?
This is my story but one that will resonate with millions of women around the world, a well-kept secret full of shame, resentment and hurt. If your own mother can’t love you, the very woman who bore you can’t praise, accept or value you, how could you possibly be worthy? So you spend a life craving these feelings from everyone else, becoming a needy person, and feeling worthless, useless, of little value and broken.
This relationship is so powerful that it affects the interaction with your partner, your children, your friends and yourself. This incredible bond, which was once based on love, can turn to anger, resentment, and guilt ruining your whole life.
Are you desperately trying to
· seek your mother’s approval,
· strive for her acceptance,
· win her praise,
· gain her acknowledgment
· yearn for that maternal warmth
· crave her love only to be disappointed in every effort you make
· and it just never comes?
With all of this trying and needing are you left:
· with such low self-esteem
· feeling worthless
· with utter guilt
· which ends up affecting every area of your life?
Until, you decide that you don’t need anything from anyone, least of all your mother – you really don’t need praise, affection, attention or love from anyone for you have all of this inside of you. The day that happens is the day you begin your journey of freedom. The journey is hard, it is slow, it is painful but it is truly the most astounding thing you will ever do in your life and it will give you such freedom and strength you could never have dreamt of.
Having totally transformed my life, Mum and I now have a loving relationship, we’ve been on holiday together, she visits for two weeks at a time but the greatest gifts are the paradigm is no longer alive in our family and I have given Mum the gift of healing herself.
Here are a few tips to start your healing journey TODAY.
1. STOP TRYING to - make things work, make things better, please your mother, say the ‘right’ things, ‘do’ the ‘right’ things, as it doesn't, work. You may have been trying this for years and feel even more disappointed.
2. Have NO EXPECTATION from your mother – when you phone her do not expect her to respond in a certain way, do not expect her to be happy for you, hug you, cheer you on or be interested in anything you have to say. When you stop the expectation you also protect yourself from being disappointed.
3. Understand that you DO NOT NEED anything from your mother – YOU ARE ENOUGH. You really do not need her affection, her praise, her validation, her approval or her love because you are enough.
4. The HEALING is all about YOU. For perhaps the first time in your life put yourself first, which means taking time for you, meeting your needs, meeting your own expectations, making you feel good. You’ve probably even forgotten how to do this after all of these years.
5. The healing process is one of acceptance of whom you are, letting go of the lack of need for your mother’s love in any form, re-writing the perspective of your past and finally the FORGIVENESS for both you and your mother.
We all deserve a life of peace and fulfilment – we all have a choice in life, will you be the one to make that change? What are you waiting for? Miracles aren’t out there – you create them!
- Louise Armstrong
Family Relationship Coach
Having suffered a lifelong destructive relationship with her own mother which also impacted on the relationship with her eldest daughter, Louise has managed to heal both of these entirely alone. Louise was invited to train as a Coach, NLP Practitioner, Theta Healer and now a Hypnotherapist through the turnaround in her own personal life; leaving behind trading the financial futures markets. Louise also specialises in mother-daughter relationship healing, as this relationship is the most intense, powerful relationship you will ever have, affecting every relationship you form in your life.
Louise has been very happily married to Ian for almost 28 years, has lived in Dubai for over 14 years and has 3 grown up children, Charlotte 26 years, James 25 years and Sophie 23 years, all now working and independent!
Her mission is to help as many people as is possible to enjoy loving relationships as she feels these are fundamental to living a happy life.
To visit her Website: www.louise-armstrong.com to message her directly: firstname.lastname@example.org
Soul Mama Blog
Blog to help mamas, on their journey: with the various parts of motherhood and life.