New Year comes fast doesn’t it?
It’s hard to believe that it’s already 2018. I feel as if 2017 was so short, maybe because I began 2017 with the intension of doing one thing, but the year took me in an entire new direction.
In 2017 I set out to conquer the world, with Soul Centered Mama. I felt at that time, that the way for me to help mamas, was to help them learn how to understand their children’s behavior, so they could learn to become the kind of mama who parents from the the soul - and 2017 reminded me that there is so much more to parenting from the soul than just understanding behavioral stuff, because there is deeper work that we do with our children, ourselves, and within our lives, to help us become Soul Centered so that we can be Soul Centered Mamas.
One of the things that I do best, is flow in order to introspect, and see the things that are happening all around me with detachment and understanding - so that when the time to act is upon me, I can step into the action that is required…now that we are officially in 2018, I can understand why 2017 was the way that it was: a year that I had to release and leave a lot of habits and thoughts that I identified with deeply behind me. I had to make and live many life changes, which reminded me that parenting, child behavior, and life are all intertwined. I remembered that changes are a part of life - and I had to change.
To learn what I’m talking about, go here.
Last week being New Year, a lot of us, were feeling the desire to make changes, and move away from things that no longer serve us - even though, many have been feeling the desire to make changes for quite sometime, I feel like it’s still the perfect time for me to talk about changes and maintaining changes in the long run, because it’s easy for life to swoop back into the same old stuff when we’re not consciously aware of how to continue the plans for the things that we want to do.
Today I want to talk to you about the mechanics of change.
Not because you want to reach a goal or because you were prompted to by a holiday, but because somewhere inside of yourself, you feel the inkling that something has to change - and when we know the process behind change, it’s easier to maintain what we want to create.
2017 showed me that in order or me to get to where I want to be, that I had to release what was not what or where I wanted to be, but more importantly I had to release the control of how.
2017 taught me about change through all of the events of last year, that really drove home, the fact that being a Soul Centered Mama, is more than just one aspect of life and motherhood, but also the deep process that permeates changes on various levels of life, and showed me the how changes happen.
Today I want to share, with you these steps.
Surrender doesn’t mean giving up, it means knowing that something is not serving you, and allowing yourself the permission to change your mind. One of the things that we do, with or without realization is that we hold onto the idea of things that no longer serve us, because it’s what we know. It’s comfortable. In order to make changes, we have to surrender the idea or attachment to what no longer works. We have to be willing to part. To let yourself change your mind about what you thought was.
Allow yourself the space to heal, deeply. Healing your self, is often not instant, but comes in stages and waves. Sometimes, things feel like they’re going great as you go along, and then something comes in to put a kink in what you envisioned, and here you go, either backwards, or feeling down about something. This is ok. It’s a process. In this process many things will come up that will bring up more layers of the puzzle pieces that you’re trying to put together. Sometimes you need another insight. Sometimes, it’s another layer of stuff. Maybe it’s another change that necessary. It’s all ok. You’re gathering and understanding. Be ok with where you are, and allow yourself to be there without getting down on yourself. It’s part of the process. This usually happens throughout all of these other layers.
Allow yourself to feel that feelings that are attached to what you were holding on to. Know that there are emotions and feelings that will come up. Allowing them to come up as they come. Know that you’re grieving different parts of yourself. Your identity of what you thought was, in order to allow what will be. Sadness, exhaustion, crying, upset, anger, loss, etc. All of these normal things might come up. It’s ok. Let them come.
Similar to surrender, release is about letting go. Letting go of old habits. Releasing what your are doing, that no longer works. Realizing and releasing the grip that we have on habits and patterns that no longer align with what we are trying to create anew. Allow yourself to make changes, as you go along that help you to move into consciously creating the newness.
5. Trust/Be open.
I learned that all circumstances that come up, no matter how cruddy they feel, are ultimately part of the change. Trust that everything is happening for you to keep releasing. We have to be open to things that come up so that we can move into new. Change after all means something new. Sometimes new feels uneasy and makes us afraid. That’s ok. It’s part of change. When we trust that we will get what we want, it’s amazing how the universe synchronizes with us, to help us make the changes. We just have to trust without attachment (surrender) to what things will look like, or what they’re supposed to look like.
2017 was a year of lots of surrender and change for me, and while some of it was hard, all of it, at the end came because it helped me deepen the work that I am here to do. The work that will help me help mamas, in the various areas of their lives.
Does it mean that it’s easy? Nope. But it’s always worth it. All of it helped my understand the depth that we are healing, in order for us to be the change in our lives and for out children, and to help us align with our truths and selves.
Understanding how change happens, makes it easier to move into what you’re creating and how to make it happen.
P.S. To learn more, talk to me or schedule a Soul Reading, go HERE.
Mother/Daughter: The Most Intense, Powerful Relationship you will Ever Have in Your Life (Guest Blog)
Standing in my mother’s kitchen hearing the words ‘I don’t love you and I will never change’, went through me like a knife but these were the words that I needed to hear to change my life. Why would a woman in her forties need to be accepted, praised and loved by her mother; why would she care about this when she was happily married with three healthy children of her own?
Because even after all these years the feelings to be accepted and loved were as strong was ever; words may fade away but emotions and feelings remain as intense as ever.
You can understand the 4-year-old putting her finger under the sewing needle to stop her mother sewing as she demanded attention. It makes sense that the 6-year-old would pull up the plants in the garden as the child pleaded her mother to acknowledge her and leave tending the vegetables. You would expect the 11-year-old to sob her heart out when she was left at boarding school in another country and the 16-year-old to cause argument after argument for any sort of attention.
But the fortysomething woman craving that same attention now she has her own life just doesn’t make sense.
Or does it?
This is my story but one that will resonate with millions of women around the world, a well-kept secret full of shame, resentment and hurt. If your own mother can’t love you, the very woman who bore you can’t praise, accept or value you, how could you possibly be worthy? So you spend a life craving these feelings from everyone else, becoming a needy person, and feeling worthless, useless, of little value and broken.
This relationship is so powerful that it affects the interaction with your partner, your children, your friends and yourself. This incredible bond, which was once based on love, can turn to anger, resentment, and guilt ruining your whole life.
Are you desperately trying to
· seek your mother’s approval,
· strive for her acceptance,
· win her praise,
· gain her acknowledgment
· yearn for that maternal warmth
· crave her love only to be disappointed in every effort you make
· and it just never comes?
With all of this trying and needing are you left:
· with such low self-esteem
· feeling worthless
· with utter guilt
· which ends up affecting every area of your life?
Until, you decide that you don’t need anything from anyone, least of all your mother – you really don’t need praise, affection, attention or love from anyone for you have all of this inside of you. The day that happens is the day you begin your journey of freedom. The journey is hard, it is slow, it is painful but it is truly the most astounding thing you will ever do in your life and it will give you such freedom and strength you could never have dreamt of.
Having totally transformed my life, Mum and I now have a loving relationship, we’ve been on holiday together, she visits for two weeks at a time but the greatest gifts are the paradigm is no longer alive in our family and I have given Mum the gift of healing herself.
Here are a few tips to start your healing journey TODAY.
1. STOP TRYING to - make things work, make things better, please your mother, say the ‘right’ things, ‘do’ the ‘right’ things, as it doesn't, work. You may have been trying this for years and feel even more disappointed.
2. Have NO EXPECTATION from your mother – when you phone her do not expect her to respond in a certain way, do not expect her to be happy for you, hug you, cheer you on or be interested in anything you have to say. When you stop the expectation you also protect yourself from being disappointed.
3. Understand that you DO NOT NEED anything from your mother – YOU ARE ENOUGH. You really do not need her affection, her praise, her validation, her approval or her love because you are enough.
4. The HEALING is all about YOU. For perhaps the first time in your life put yourself first, which means taking time for you, meeting your needs, meeting your own expectations, making you feel good. You’ve probably even forgotten how to do this after all of these years.
5. The healing process is one of acceptance of whom you are, letting go of the lack of need for your mother’s love in any form, re-writing the perspective of your past and finally the FORGIVENESS for both you and your mother.
We all deserve a life of peace and fulfilment – we all have a choice in life, will you be the one to make that change? What are you waiting for? Miracles aren’t out there – you create them!
- Louise Armstrong
Family Relationship Coach
Having suffered a lifelong destructive relationship with her own mother which also impacted on the relationship with her eldest daughter, Louise has managed to heal both of these entirely alone. Louise was invited to train as a Coach, NLP Practitioner, Theta Healer and now a Hypnotherapist through the turnaround in her own personal life; leaving behind trading the financial futures markets. Louise also specialises in mother-daughter relationship healing, as this relationship is the most intense, powerful relationship you will ever have, affecting every relationship you form in your life.
Louise has been very happily married to Ian for almost 28 years, has lived in Dubai for over 14 years and has 3 grown up children, Charlotte 26 years, James 25 years and Sophie 23 years, all now working and independent!
Her mission is to help as many people as is possible to enjoy loving relationships as she feels these are fundamental to living a happy life.
To visit her Website: www.louise-armstrong.com to message her directly: firstname.lastname@example.org
I started off this post with the intension of elaborating on a video that I shared with my tribe Soul Centered Mama a few days ago, where I was talking about how language affects the way that we parent our children...but as life is, my toddler woke up as I started to write and completely derailed my thoughts - and something else came instead: this blog post is about that thing...
I found myself completely annoyed when my baby (he's three. he's a toddler. I call him baby) woke up, and feeling frustrated because I had to stop my thought process and the story with the words that I'd already written in my brain. My train of thought was derailed and here I was doing something other than what I set out to do. Then it hit me. This happens a lot. My frustrations when I intended to do something that wasn't possible at the moment. As I surrendered into the moment of putting him back to sleep, I introspected (my go to method) about how often this happens - frustration about not being able to do what I set out to do, and then the memory of my past reactions came flooding to me in an instant. Memories about past reactions of mine (interject past regrets turned into future lessons) came flooding in (goodbye frustration over stopping my intended blog post) - and I realized that many of my less than stellar moments in parenting came as a result of me not being in, and surrendering to the moment that I was living. This happened almost always, when I was in my head, trying to figure out how to finish, do, or get what I wanted vs actually being present in what is happening at the moment. This is something that happens to many of us, a lot.
One of my tribe members, posted about her frustrations because she had a huge list of to dos and a baby who is needing of her attention, and here my little one is causing me to stop my plans, and I have to do something other than what I thought I was going to do, and I must say that the likelihood of this is pretty grand considering that small children always need us - but nonetheless I find the timing to be synchronistic and almost magical - because you see, somewhere in my time to reflect upon her circumstances and my own similarities, I've come to remember the simple fact that the reason that I, and a lot of us suffer is because sometimes in the moment - with our children - we are trying to live in a moment that is not where we are. As seasons change, and certain times of the year invite certain feelings or times in our lives: i.e. summer: socialization, fall: introspection/shedding, winter: introspection/solitude, spring: renewal/rebirth, etc., the same is true with our families and times with our children...as the seasons we too have different periods in our lives - and within our families - that call for different modes...when I understood this a few years ago, it became one of the most freeing bits of knowledge that I was gifted, because some of the hardest periods in my life with my children came when I was trying to live in a "season' that was not conducive to the time that I was living.
I've gotten to the point where I realize that sometimes my home needs me to be hands on, and in others I will need be to be an observer. There are times where I have to schedule my personal time super late or very early in the morning, or times when my kids will be so into an activity or thing (we homeschool) that I can do what I need to do during any time of the day. Learning which is necessary at which time, is like unlocking the key to a store of magic...as I've grown wiser through all of the trials that have come and gone, I am reminded to let go of what I thought was supposed to be, and was met instead with what is. I learned that letting go is not the same as giving up - that there is power in surrendering to now - and that now holds more lessons for growth and love than a plan of what I had to do, but was not possible right now. I learned about the power in surrendering, trusting the process, while putting away my shoulds and woulds that usually cause severe reactions to the ones around me. I learned that the things that have to happen always happen anyway, and that even when the moment is rough, that there is a reason and a purpose for it...There will always be things to, finish and/or prepare, but when I understand where I am now and work with that, I am usually surprised by what happens, and I don't go into the frustration or react in ways (past regrets turned to future lessons lol) that don't line up with the way that I want to treat my children...and hey look, my baby fell asleep, and this blog post was written anyway.
Wanna talk to me? Ok. I invite you to set up a time to chat Here, or get a reading? You can schedule one of those HERE
*don't forget to share this blog post if it resonates
Soul Mama Blog
Blog to help mamas, on their journey: with the various parts of motherhood and life.